Send the Newspapers Down To The Toilet

I refrain myself from buying newspapers for more than a year. Except once in a blue moon.

I find the newspapers in Malaysia whether is in the Bahasa Melayu or English Language bore me to death. Misleading reports by foreign newspapers on Suharto past as President of Indonesia makes me more and more despise foreign correspondences.

The local newspaper a part from being boring, one of it full of adverts on every bloody page. Had it been a magazine, it would be known as Toilet Magazine.

This brings back to the days in the mid 70s when I use to run around in Kampung Maxwell, where PWTC is now standing. Every Saturday or Sunday Morning, I notice a Chinese Man, whom my friend call Apek carries a newspaper with him to the "jamban angkut" type of toilet. The newspaper, big spread, very thin with some colour on the front page. He walks to the toilet with a cigarette in his mouth and a small towel on his shoulder,

At the door step of the jamban, he will “menyangkung” for awhile, literally squatting, with both hands spreading the newspaper far and wide. Best part, if you talk to him, he will talk to you with a voice like that Granny in Snow White and the cigarette, refuse to fall from his mouth. What a Pro! If I do the squatting in the morning, I surely let go not only the cigarette, I will also let go whatever in my stomach there and then too.

By the time Apek got out from the jamban, the towel remains on his left shoulder, the cigarette still in his mouth but one thing is missing, its the newspaper. He could have left it in the jamban for others to benefit.

Many years later, I discovered the newspapers brought in the jamban by Apek are over a week old, only the advertisement pages gets into the jamban which explain for it being thin, the newspaper is practically use as Toilet Newspaper, in short, Toilet Paper.

A Plonker or A Twatter

Today, Tan Sri Ahmad Fairuz testifed before the Royal Commission, he said he has never spoken to Dato VK Lingam.

Today it is confirm, those idiots at the Malaysian Bar are either Plonkers or Twatters.

Probably even both.

Someone was right long time ago, when she said to be a successful lawyer you need a thick face.

Rasa Macam Raja Di Sembah

Before I begin, below are the translations of Malay words use in this text:-.

a) Raja – King or Sultan;
b) Sembah – Salutation or give honour;
c) Adat - Customs
d) Bahasa pasar – Language use by Katherine Hepburn
in My Fair Lady before they turn her into a Lady;
e) Punggong Besar. - In verbatim, Big Arse, or Proud;
f ) Mata Keranjang – Eyes for Women, Pretty one of course;
g) Samseng – Disorganise Gangster in the Malay Society.

PEGUAM? I don’t think there is a need to translate the word PEGUAM, they are not important. Everyone in the world would like to see them die anyway, in pain of course.

Let me begin, my mother, being from the old school, hold strongly to Adat, she even speaks in such manner. I was taught a few, much of it I have forgotten but I do remember this words:

“Kalau Dah Beraja Di Mata Tentulah Rasa Macam Raja Di Sembah.”

Hmm.... What does it mean? Can anyone even translate this to the Ye Olde English? A simple bahasa pasar would be “Look like a Raja, surely you feel like one.”

A rather simple example, as you drive your Proton Perdana into one of the Government Complex, you dress appropriately, with black suite, nice tie and all, the security guards allows you to pass through without security check.

An even better example, you were stop by the traffic police, he goes around your car, check your road tax and then ask you to move on. Was it the road tax or was it a badge written PEGUAM that let you off?

One thing for sure, to some you look like a Raja.

This next example will make your “punggong besar”.

While you were having dinner in Concorde Hotel, dress in a nice pair of shirt with brands like Ferre, or Armani two piece suite, nice pair of shoes with brands like Russels & Bromley, nice watch, definitely not Rolex, let say, Breguet. To everyone around you at Concorde that evening, you look like A Raja Worth Di Sembah.

Anyway, why Concorde Hotel, this is where the Raja lookalike hang around. Don’t forget the many Mata Keranjang politicians and Body Guards also known as Samseng hang around in the same hotel.

Let me recap that again, while you were having dinner in Concorde Coffee House, a beautiful girl walks towards you. Heads and eyes begins to turn. She walks with two or three of her beautiful friends. They are so beautiful, it makes you wander whether you were born in the wrong decade.
To everyone surprise this beautiful girl approach your table, with a long lasting smile, took your hand and kiss your hand, double bonus if she kiss your chick too.

Do you feel like Raja Di Sembah? Does it fit the description Kalau Dah Beraja Di Mata Tentu Rasa Macam Raja Di Sembah?

It is everyone wishes to look like a Raja and feel like one too, trust me all the Apeks and Nyonyas that appears in those Tatlers type of magazines dying for Rasa Macam Raja Di Sembah.

Kesian To Our Former Colony

(Sultan of Johore and King Chulalongkorn in Singapore 1896)

I woke up 430am this morning. Running nose, body aching, body temperature 38.7 Celcius, all after the visit to San Francisco at Damansara Intan. It was cats and dogs that late noon. I must have been weaken by the rain. By the time I left Damansara Intan, the traffic was a nightmare. Nothing fear me most than to crawl along the NKVE on my way home. One of the fear instills these days are traffic jam after the rain at 6pm.

Pity, to those living in fear. I was told in America, the politicians, since the Second World War succeeded in creating fear among Americans. You hear people dig bunkers for fear of nuclear holocaust. Storing canned foods with infinite expiry date for fear of starvation. Fear of the former Soviet Union, just look at the way they potrayed the Russians as Big Huge Vicious Grizzly Bear later labelled it as Cold War. It was so effective that it reaches South East Asia shores like storm.

As a result, for many years we too live in fear as much as the American. The American propaganda machine was so successful that there are people in America who are afraid of going into the swimming pool for fear of Jaws.

As I grew up I learn that Americans love fear and addicted to it. Remember when they fear of Anthrax. The whole country postal services collapse. Well done Federal Express and DHL, your shares hits the ceiling at that time.

Now recent studies shows they have fear for Islam. After 9/11, anything with word of Islam will send shivers to the spine of the Americans. Islamic Countries to them full of people with long beard, turban, wearing dress code fit to put grenades tide to their bodies, a war machine. The fact there are large number of moderates Muslim doesnt matter. The American propagates if they don’t destroy Islam. Islam will destroy them. Let starts with Afghanistan, next Iraq, soon Syria and Iran so on and so forth.

On the whole, we don’t live in fear the way the Americans are now. Thanks to our former Prime Minister, with his sharpness and wit we laugh at Americans stupidity and arrogant foreign policy. It is well known American politician speaks of countries thousands of miles away from them without even visiting those countries.

Nevertheless today, I was very surprise when our former colony criticise us for allowing a two seater civilian plane from Koh Samui to fly over our airspace. All of the sudden they have this fear like the Americans, they close their airspace and sent two fighter jets to intercept this small plane that needed repair in the former colony. Or was it show of force. Whatever it is, I pity them.

They are living in fear like the Americans.

Is this a gay song?

"Dia umpama merak kayangan, rupanya cantik warna kilauan...... segak dan gayanya membikin hati tertawan.., Beta umpama gagak di rimba, tak sepadan tak sebaya........., ingin masuk ke syurga, bertemu jelita, menyampaikan hasrat rindu kepadanya......"

Merak Kayangan written and sang by Tan Sri P Ramlee. Once in a blue moon while driving, I would hear the song, it always puzzle me, why did this great man use the word "Beta", a word use by the Raja Raja Melayu to address themselves, at the same time in this song this Beta, liken himself as a wild crow in the jungle.

Merak is a phoenix. Merak with the stunning beautiful feathers are male and not female. Kayangan in translation is Heaven, to be specific, it is commonly use in reference to the Hinduism type of heaven. The Malay version of Mahabrata and Ramayana use the word kayangan at every chapter.

In Merak Kayangan, the singer express his wishes or desires to enter "syurga", which also meaning heaven, to meet this beautiful phoenix just to tell him or her of how much he misses him or her.

In the UK, this song could have pass as a gay song. Do you agree?

Idiots

Driving in Kuala Lumpur will blow everyones mind. To Singaporean, if you can drive in Kuala Lumpur, you can drive anywhere in the world. Is it true? Yes it is true, Kuala Lumpur it seems, have more idiots than anywhere in the world. Except no one in KL realise that among them, there are idiots.

Idiots in KL varies, from amateur to professional. Amateurs are the one that doesn't hit the headlines in the local news. The professional idiots hits the news almost everyday.

The mosts highly paid professional and the one that got away with their idiotic behaviour are lawyers. The trouble with lawyers, they love themselves so much. What makes a great lawyer, the answer is thick face. How thick? Very, thicker than the Great Wall of China.

Today, I was blasted by a group of friends who reckons the Bar Councils lawyers that appears before the Royal Commission are bunch of idiots. Do I agree with them? The answer is, yes. The reason being, the Royal Commission Inquiry will call upon Tan Sri Ahmad Fairuz, questions would be asked in like manner: " Did u, did u not speak to Dato VK Lingam?" The answer, would be " No."

What a waste of time and money. The Bar Council, the one that "Menang Sorak", would not get the "Kampung Tergadai", instead, would make many lawyers look like an idiot.

A Kiss Is A Kiss

I kiss her forehead with all my heart. I promise myself we will meet again, one day, as Allah promise to all of his servants. We all shall meet again for good or bad. She lay still. Silent. Not a word.

I kissed her on her birthday, before I leave the house, during all occassion of Hari Raya, after the usual rituals of bermaaf-maafan, I would kiss her hands whether it is at home, airport, restaurants or whenever whereever, even when she is surrounded by her friends. Never occurs to my mind that I will kiss her for good, 10 years ago in accordance to Islam Calendar of 10 Muharam, which is today.

From time to time in these 10 years, I would bump into her friends. She would be proud to learned that I would kiss the hands of her friends whom I call "Auntie", a manner which she would have expected from me. "Adat..."she said, "... jaga adat." So, it doesnt come as a suprise for many like me, to jaga adat, the extend of kissing hands, would include the kissing the hands of Imam, elderly neighbours, classmates parents, it got worst during Hari Raya.

As young as 5 years old I was taught to kiss the Quran. This practice of kissing of something holy grows to books, paperbacks novels that I enjoyed thoroughly. It goes beyond when I started to kiss money I received. Kissing money is definitely joyful. The joy never fail.

Today, I was labelled as "kaki bodek" for following Adat. The exact words use by this old friend amat mengejutkan "This guy will cium just to get ahead. With blokes like this, we can kiss honour, self respect and integrity goodbye..."

Have I committed sins? It seems, the kissing of a Statesman twice, is a disgrace conduct of "kaki bodek".

Should I clarify to him or to anyone for that matter, it is in the Malay Adat that we salam, in the salam we kiss hands (subject to the person ones meet), we salam when we meet and we salam when we say goodbye.? Or some people just Buta Adat, therefore it is pointless in giving long explanation and clarification on Adat to those who are Buta Adat. After all, A Kiss Is A Kiss.

To Be In The Air Condition Or Not To Be

If I have my way I wouldnt mind living in a cold country like the UK. The one reason that stop me moving to the cold country like France, there are no roti canai, no nasi lemak, cendol, rojak etc. Even if they do, they dont have the ambience that entitle them to charge the roti canai between RM20 to RM25 per piece. As we all know the French rather exorbitant charges includes the ambience. Check your bill whenever you are in a french restaurant, ambience are included. Please pronounce "Ambience" in French. It sounds expensive.

I can't imagine, having rojak and cendol, in winter, let say in London, in one of the street at East End in full dress of winter clothing. The winter jumper, the winter coat, that long thing around the neck, the gloves, the boots, at -10 Celcius, one hand with the rojak, the other, waving the mamak to prepare the cendol before I choke myself.

The reality, I live in Malaysia, very close to the equator. Therefore, pagi, petang, siang, malam mesti ada Air-Cond. It seems today's children, mesti ada air cond. A friend told me of a boy who came to his house with his father, he switched on the aircondition, without even asking the owner of the house. The father politely asked him to switch it off. The reply the father gets, "Buat apa install aircond kalau tak pasang". It is like saying, why have the television if it is not switch on?"

Just before midday today my children were playing football at the porch. 15minutes later, they rush into the house with the ball. "Go and play outside, you are not suppose to kick the ball in the house" I told them. The reply I get, "panas lah kat luar, tak de aircond."

I dont know whether to laugh or to cry.

Good To See You Again

I like him so much. I like the way he talk, his ideas, his firmness, his leadership and most of all his wit. It was good to see him again at the mosque for his Friday prayer. It has been months since I last met him. Little did I expect that this time he is surrounded by body guards. I was push by one of them for trying to get close to him. All I did was to push my way to shake his hand, in a gentle way.

I felt honoured when I kiss his hand. He look at me and smile. Fatherly smile. I didnt say the words I intended to say, tak pe lah I said to myself.

All I want to do is to take his hand "salam" and say "Good to see you again".

After the prayers, as I was putting on my shoes, wondering of errants to come this Friday noon, I saw him walking down the stairs. Good, I said to myself, another opportunity to salam this Great Man or some called Statesman. I stood right at the door, if I can help it, I want him to see me first. Not quick enough, I came third.

I did the salam and say my magic words for the day, "Good to see you again, Tun".

Sakit Hati

It all begins with the feeling of displeasure, bahasa melayunya "Kurang Senang" or "Tak Suka" or "Benci", the true feeling is "Sakit Hati".

Last Wednesday, while in Bangi Court, a so called Senior Lawyer gets on my nerve. Itu aje. To cut the long story short, this senior lawyer took my sit while I went out. All blames should go to the Syok Sendiri Majlis Peguam. They have this "Lapuk" rulings, one of which, "one is to vacate one seat in the event a senior counsel appears." I came early, very early, I went off in less than 2 minutes and my seat was taken although I left files on the table to mark my presence, I walked in, gave indication it was my seat and files, he just sat there as if I tukang angkat sampah. Kurang ajar I must say, the more senior the lawyers, the more kurang ajar they can be.

For this stupid ruling, I think the Bar Council should "close shop", jual kacang puteh, we all know if one wants a good seat, all one has do is to be early.